The Akatsuki's MisAdventures
by xstar.lovex
Summary: Even though the Akatsuki is known to be dangerous criminals, it's all a facade. They can't go anywhere without something bad happening. Random adventures. The Akatsuki goes to McDonald's, Orochimaru's house , and more
1. Meet Your New Partners

**The Akatsuki's Misadventures**

(Author's Note: This is my first fanfic! I tried to make it funny but oh well if it's not. I got a lot of inspiration from reading dead drifters fanfiction for this. I had a lot of fun writing it. If enough people review, I'll continue this story. Well Enjoy!)

Chapter 1: Meet Your Partners!

Pein, the Akatsuki leader, stood in one of the lanes in the bowling alley where the Akatsuki held their meetings and called for attention. Of course, they had to look like regular people instead of criminals in a top-secret organization, but for some reason, Pein decided to hold their meetings in a bowling alley.

"Tobi get over here!" he called to the basketball masked man who was trying to get a stuffed frog out of the Claw machine. "Coming Leader-sama!" he called without taking his eyes off the toy.

"Get your ass over here and forget that dumb ass frog! We need to get on with this fucking meeting!" Yelled Hidan, who was ready to go home.

Tobi scurried over to where the rest of them were and quickly sat down. Tobi did not liked being yelled at, especially by Hidan. And besides, Tobi was a good boy.

"Now," Pein started, " As you all know, we need a more private place to hold our meetings." He said this while looking at a kid who was staring at them while eating ice cream. "That means go away kid. Or I will kill you." Itachi said. The kid ran away and dropped his ice cream on the floor.

"**Couldn't I just have eaten him**?" Zetsu's dark side asked. "Okay people, let's get back on topc here. As I was saying, we need a place to hold our meetings and to organize our missions. To solve this problem, I've purchased a house for our private hideaway." Pein continued.

"How much did you spend?" Kakuzu asked.

"Well, um, that's not important." Pein stuttured. Konan rolled her eyes. "Now that we have an official lair," Pein continued, "You all will be teamed up with a partner to make missions go more efficiently." Someone bowled a strike in the lane next to Pein. "YESSS!" cried a kid with spiky blonde hair.

"Can I make a request?' Sasori asked.

"No. I already made the list and I don't feel like editing it." Pein replied.

"Well fuck you..." Sasori muttered under his breath.

"Anyway, I will now read the list of partners. AHEM!" Pein said as Tobi wandered back over to the Claw machine. Tobi quickly sat back down.

"Okay, the first team will be Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame," the shark man smiled evily while the Uchiha looked indiferent, as always.

"Zetsu and Tobi,"

'Yay Zu Zu!' Tobi exclaimed hugging the plant man.

"**He would make a tasty treat." **Zetsu's dark side said. "He's our partner, we can't eat him." Zetsu's light side said.

"Sasori and Deidars," Pein continued.

"Great, I get to be paired with the little terrorist bomber..." Sasori sighed.

"Hey! Anyone would love to be my partner, hm!" Deidara protested feeling hurt because he secretly admired Sasori.

'Kakuzu and Hidan," Pein continued.

"Come on, why do I have to paired with that old ass, creepy looking, money whoring motherfucker?" Hidan asked angrily.

"And you think I'm thrilled about having a foul-mouthed, so-called religious man?" Kakuzu replied, getting angry.

"Get along with your partners. Or else." Pein said.

"What about me?" Konan asked.

"Oh, you'll be me partner." Pein winked. Konan blew him a kiss. Everyone rolled their eyes at the happy couple.

"I'll give you all the directions to the house and we wil meet there tomorrow. You can start moving your stuff in at that time. ok, Everyone's dismissed."

The Akatsuki left the bowling alley and went to their seperate houses to pack their things. Sasori called his grandmother and asked her to help him pack his many puppets. Zetsu went to the forest to gather his things. No one had any idea what crazy adventures they were in for or what living with each other would do to them...


	2. Moving In

The Akatsuki's Misadventures

(Author's Note: I don't own Naruto or Justin Bieber etc. I own nothing but this crazy story that I write when I'm feeling crazy. I know I said I was going to update when I got some reviews but I'm impatient so yah..xD. Enjoy! )

Chapter 2: Moving In

When everyone got to the house, they brought a whole bunch of shit.

"Well this is going to be harder than I thought…" Pein said. "Ok everyone be quiet so I can give you your rooms. I swear, I feel like you people's father... And no, don't even say anything Hidan." Pein said just as Hidan was about to open his mouth. Pein assigned everyone to their rooms, which they would share with their partners. Hidan went upstairs to his and Kakuzu's room and dropped his junk on the floor.

"ok old man, you know I don't like you or want to live with you so just don't touch my shit and we're cool." Hidan told him.

'Likewise. Don't make me angry and don't talk too much. Or I Will kill you." Kakuzu told him.

"HAH! Old man, don't you know I'm immortal?" Hidan laughed, which made Kakuzu angry. Kakuzu cut Hidan head off with a kunai.

"Hey old fuck! What the hell! Put my head back on!" Hidan screamed from the floor. Kakuzu walked out of the room to go get the rest of his stuff from downstairs.

Meanwhile, Kisame was trying to set up his giant fish tank in his and Itachi's room.

"Kisame," Itachi called from his dresser, where he was putting his underwear in. Itachi had an awful lot of underwear…"There's no room for that fish tank. Put it somewhere else."

"I need it for when I get hungry!" Kisame said. Itachi stared angrily at his partner. Before Kisame knew it, he was pinned to the wall, a kunai at his throat.

"I said, we have no room for that thing in here." Itachi whispered coldly in his partners ear.

Kisame gulped. "Okay, whatever you say Itachi."

In Deidara and Sasori's room, Sasori was arranging his puppets just right in various places around the room. He had just got them the way he wanted when Deidara knocked the Third Kazekage over.

"Hey brat! Watch where you're going!" Sasori yelled at him.

Deidara rolled his eyes and walked over to his bed to make sculptures out of butter. Pein wouldn't let his make things out of clay because he was afraid it would get on the new carpet.

"That's disgusting! You better not get any of it on my puppets!" He warned.

Tired of Sasori's bitching, Deidara walked downstairs to go bother someone else.

"Deidara-senpai!" Tobi calle when he saw him.

"Oh shit." Deidara muttered under his breath. He quickly turned to leave but Tobi grabbed him.

"Can you pleaaassseee help me carry my stuff to me and ZuZu's room?" he asked.

"Uh, sure, un." Deidara said. Tobi handed Deidara a black platic garbage bag. The mouths on Deidara palms licked the bag then spit out the nasty taste.

"Yuck! What do you have in here, un?" Deidara asked.

"That is for Tobi to know and Deidara-senpai not to know." Tobi said.

"Whatever…"

Deidara and Tobi walked up to Tobi and Zetsu's room.

"What in the…" Deidara started when they arrived in the room.

" You like it senpai?" Tobi asked.

Tobi and Zetsu's room was painted bright pink and had rainbow stickers and posters of Justin Bieber, Zac Efron, and the Jonas Brothers on the walls.

While Deidara was standing there with his mouth open in shock, Tobi skipped over to him and took the bag from him. He opened the bag and poured the contents on his bed. Thongs and underwear with unicorns and rainbows came out.

"Like my underwear senpai?" he asked Deidara.

Deidara ran out of the room screaming.


	3. The Akatsuki Goes to McDonald's

(Author's Note: I'm going to try to update more often, but I'm running out of ideas for this story… I'm working on a sequel now though. Well this chapter is kinda long and I had fun writing. Again, I don't own Naruto or McDonalds. I also have nothing against them but it was hilarious writing about them. Also, thanks to **Neko-Chan11772 **for reviewing. You made my day with that one! Anyway, enough of my blathering, let's get on with the story!)

Chapter 3: The Akatsuki Goes to McDonald's

After everyone finished moving their stuff in and Deidara recovered from the Tobi incident, they were hungry.

"So who's gonna cook? Konan asked. Everyone looked at her. "What? No way. Just cause I'm a girl doesn't mean I can cook. And why aren't you looking at Deidara?"

"I am not a girl, un!" Deidara said angrily.

"Can't we just go out to eat?" Sasori asked.

"No way! That's spending unnecessary money!" Kakuzu said.

"Which is exactly why we should go. The bill would give him a heart attack!" Hidan said excitedly.

"Hey! I'm the leader here and I decide what we're going to do for dinner!" Pein spoke up. "We may go out to eat but not to a fancy restaurant. You assholes don't have good enough manners for that."

Everyone got quiet.

"So where should we eat?" Itachi asked.

"Ooooh! Let's go to Benihana!" Kisame said.

"Let's go to McDonald's and eat the delicious fat people." Zetsu's dark side said. His white side was asleep.

"Ooh, Tobi wants a Happy Meal!" Tobi said.

"No, I want us to sit down and eat like a normal family!" Pein said.

"But we're not a family." Konan said.

"Shut up, Konan." Itachi said. He was in a bitchy mood because he hadn't had enough space for the rest of his important things (like his collection of stuffed weasels) because Kisame had managed to put his fish tank in the room.

"Well we could always go pick up something and eat dinner here." Konan said.

"Looks like we're going to McDonald's after all." Sasori said.

"**Can you bring me back fat people from McDonald's?" **Zetsu's dark side asked.

"Fine. Sasori, Deidara, Kakuzu, Hidan, take everyone's food orders and pick it up from McDonald's. Kisame, Itachi, and Tobi, go set up the dining room, and Zetsu, you go pick some flowers to put on the table." Konan instructed them.

"Konan an I have, uh, paperwork to do." Pein said, taking Konan upstairs with him. So everyone left to go do their jobs.

Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori got into Pein's van and drove to McDonald's. Hidan was driving, unfortunately.

"I don't see why we have to go to fucking McDonald's. I especially with you bitches." Hidan cut off the car behind him and the driver honked the horn. Hidan stuck his finger out the window and flipped them off.

"Me neither," Kakuzu said. "All of that fatty food is bad for my hearts."

"Would you two shut up?" Sasori asked. He was polishing puppet arm and he had to do it just right or it would be smudged. Deidara was sitting next to him making sculptures with his forbidden clay. Hidan pulled up to McDonald's and there was a long line for the drive-thru.

"Aw fuck!" Hidan said. "Looks like you two have to go inside." He said to Deidara and Sasori.

"Fine." Sasori sighed. When the puppet walked in the door, he saw a huge line of fat people.

"Allow me." Deidara said. He made a giant bird out of his clay and it flew over to the line. It landed on a fat man's head.

"Where did this bird come-BOOM!" The bird exploded and all of the fat people in line blew up. The cashier, a skinny, pimply teenager, hid under the counter.

"Hey, get from under there we need to order stuff, un." Deidara said.

The kid slowly came out and gaped at the piles of dead fat people everywhere.

"Uhm, sure. Whatever you say miss."

"DAMMIT I AM NOT A GIRL, UN!" Deidara yelled.

"Shut up brat, you're scaring the kid. We'll never get our food now." Sasori said.

"I'll give you whatever you want, just don't hurt me!" The cashier said.

"Okay, we'll have a Filet-o-Fish sandwich, 3 cheeseburgers, 2 hamburgers, a Happy Meal, and 6 large fries."

The fry cooks hurriedly made their food and Deidara and Sasori went back to the car.

"What took so long?" Hidan asked, driving away.

"Long line, un." Deidara said. He sent a clay bird back to McDonald's where it blew up the building and all of the cars in the drive thru.

"Did you get Zetsu's fat people?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yeah, they're in the trunk." Sasori replied. They drove back home to have a nice family dinner.


	4. The Akatsuki Goes to A Waterpark

(Author's Note: Well I was only gonna write like 2 more chapters of this but while I was bored at school today I came up with more stuff. I don't know how fast I'll be updating after today so, until next time! Sorry for the short chapters, but this one is kinda long. Yay! Also, thanks again to **Neko-Chan11772 **for reviewing. Please review, it makes me happy! Again, I don't own Naruto, the Akatsuki, South Park, or any other random stuff you may stumble across in this story. Anyway, On with the craziness!)

Chapter 4: The Akatsuki Goes to A Waterpark

The first night the Akatsuki spent together at the base was a crazy one. Pein and Konan had made noise in their room all night long so Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hidan gathered in the living room. Tobi managed to sleep soundly in his scary room while Zetsu was out in the forest behind the base looking for a snack or doing who-knows-what.

"Hey Deidara-chan, make me a sandwich." Hidan said from the couch where he was channel-surfing.

"I'm not a girl, un!" Deidara said angrily.

"Whatever. Just make a Jashin-damned sandwich."

Deidara got up and went to the kitchen. He made Hidan's sandwich and himself a bowl of Lucky Charms and put a ball of explosive clay in Hidan's sandwich. Deidara went back into the living room, gave Hidan his sandwich, and sat back down on the couch next to Sasori, who was put poison into various parts of the puppet he was working on. Itachi was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room petting the head of one of his stuffed weasels. Kakuzu was sitting next to Hidan on the couch counting his money. Kisame had gotten up at some point when Deidara was in the kitchen to go play with the fish in the pond in their backyard.

They heard Konan scream from upstairs. Hidan turned the volume up on the TV. They were watching South Park, Hidan's favorite show.

"Do those horny ass, heathen motherfuckers ever sleep?" he asked. They all knew the answer was probably 'no'. Hidan had just finished the sandwich Deidara had made for him and now his stomach was upset.

"I'll be back, don't change the channel!" he said. " I have to take a shit."

Deidara buried his face in a pillow on the couch and laughed silently. He was shaking from laughter so hard that Sasori hit him upside the head with a puppet arm.

"Ow. What was that for danna, un?" Deidara said, rubbing his head.

"What did you do to that man's sandwich?"

Sasori got his answer when he heard Hidan yelling and swearing upstairs.

"What the fucking hell? What is wrong with me? Why the fuck did I eat something made by that little blonde bitch? I'm gonna hit him so hard, he'll grow a fucking dick!"

"Do you ever shut up?" Kakuzu asked, not looking up from counting his money.

"Shut up you old, fucking Grandpa." Hidan yelled while walking down the stairs. His stomach was bleeding.

"That little fucker over there blew my Jashin-damned stomach up!" He pointed at Deidara. Tired of all of his yelling, Kakuzu grabbed Kisame's Samehada and cut Hidan's head off.

"Hey, you old bastard, put my head back on!" Hidan's head yelled from the floor. Kakuzu picked up his head, took it to their room, and threw it on Hidan's bed. He locked the door, and went back downstairs to counting his money. After Pein and Konan stopped all of their noise, everyone went to bed.

The next morning, everyone was grumpy. Everyone but Pein, Konan, Zetsu, and Tobi, of course.

"So today I was thinking that we should do something fun together before I start assigning missions." Pein said.

"If I do anything fun, it won't be with you heathen motherfuckers." Hidan muttered under his breath. Kakuzu had sewn his head back on earlier that morning and he didn't want to get it cut off again because he was afraid Kakuzu wouldn't sew it back on.

"Good morning everybody! Can Tobi have some Lucky Charms cereal?" Tobi ran into the kitchen, where everyone was. Deidara, who was trying to solve the maze to get Lucky to his Pot'O Gold on the back of the cereal , was working on eating the whole box of cereal.

"Hey Kakuzu, do you have a Pot'O Gold, un?" he asked the miser.

"What kind of dumb question is that?" Kakuzu asked. "Of course I have a Pot'O Gold! I'll show it to you sometimes if you promise not to touch it."

"As I was saying," Pein continued, annoyed because people were always interrupting him. "Kisame suggested we go to a waterpark. So, we're going to spend the day there."

Everyone just stared at him.

"Yay, waterpark! But Tobi can't swim, so he might drown." Tobi said sadly.

"YES! We finally get to do something I want to do!" Kisame exclaimed.

Three hours later, the Akatsuki was headed to The Splash Zone, a popular waterpark in the Hidden Rain Village.

"As always, stick with your partners." Pein said when they got there.

"Er, on second thought, Sasori and Deidara, keep and eye on Tobi, and Kakuzu and Hidan keep an eye on Zetsu."

"Come on, Itachi!" Kisame grabbed his partners arm and dragged him over to the pool. He was wearing his favorite swim trunks, the ones with the rainbow fish on them. Itachi refused to take his cloak off. He said that he was too sexy for all of these average people and that they didn't deserve to see his magnificent beauty. Whatever.

Kisame jumped into the pool, scaring some little kids away. Itachi finally took off his cloak and sat in a lawn chair by the pool to work on his tan.

Sasori and Deidara came along with Tobi, then. Tobi still had on his flat basketball mask and a duck floatie that squeaked when the squeezed it's bill.

"Come on Deidara-senpai and Sasori-san! Get in the pool with Tobi!"

"I can't swim." Sasori said.

"You're made out of wood. You'll float, hm." Deidara said. He didn't want to get into that pool alone with Tobi. Well he wouldn't be alone, but still.

"Well, the bleach would mess up my wood." With that being said, Sasori went over and sat in the lawn chair next to Itachi.

Deidara sighed and sat on the edge of the pool while Tobi jumped in and had fun with his little duck floatie.

"Yay! Look at my Ducky floatie!" Tobi said. All of a sudden, Tobi's duck floatie deflated and he sank.

"Ahhh! Tobi can't swim!" Tobi said, drowning. Deidara just watched him drown. Kisame came out of nowhere and saved him.

"Thank you Kisame-san! Tobi loves you!" he said after Kisame rescued him.

Meanwhile, Kakuzu and Hidan were about to go on a waterslide with Zetsu.

"Sorry sir, but you can't bring your plant on the ride." The same pimply teenager from McDonald's also happened to work at the Splash Zone. How he survived the explosion of McDonald's, the world may never know. The kid should have known better though.

"Excuse me sir, but I am not a plant." Zetsu's white side said.

"**What the fuck? Even if I was a plant, why can't I go on the damn slide?"** Zetsu's black side asked.

"Well can you please take the plant-like thing off of your head, sir?" The teenager asked.

Kakuzu was getting angry. All he wanted was to go on the waterslide.

"Look, kid. If you don't let m friend here go on the slide, I will lose my temper. And trust me, you don't want me to lose my temper." Kakuzu told the kid.

"But, I can't let him on."

Hidan had had enough. He took out his scythe and cut the kids head off and threw it down the slide. The people in line behind them ran away screaming.

"Dammit, Hidan! Now we're going to have to kill all these people." Kakuzu said.

"Hey, I was just trying to help you out you old, angry bastard!"

Kakuzu sighed.

"Let's go tell Pein that we have to kill everyone."

As Hidan, Zetsu, and Kakuzu walked over to where Pein and Konan were, the hut tubs, they spotted Sasori, Deidara, Tobi, Kisame, and Itachi.

"Hey guys, we have to go kill some people." Kakuzu said.

"What did you idiots do now?" Itachi asked.

"Long story. Hidan killed some kid and there were too many witnesses." Zetsu's white side said ."**That dumbass. I really wanted to go on that slide too**." Zetsu's black side said.

"Shut up you pansy ass plant boy. I was trying to help you out."

"Yes, finally I get to do something fun, un!" Deidara said.

"Before you do that, we should talk to Pein." Sasori said.

So off they went to find Pein and Konan.

Pein was not happy when he found out what Hidan had done.

"See this is why we can't go out anywhere." He sighed. "Very well. Deidara do your job."

"Yay, un!" Deidara made a giant bird out of his explosive clay and it flew to the center of the park. Deidara waited until the rest of his teammates left the park to blow it up.

Everything was on fire inside the park and people were screaming their heads off.

"You take your job too seriously." Sasori sighed as they climbed into the van and went home.


	5. To Orochimaru's House We GO!

Chapter 5: To Orochimaru's House We Go!

(A/N: So I was really stuck with this chapter. I had no inspiration and I asked my brother and sister to help me and they came up with some stuff I could develop into a story. So far, I'm thinking I'll go to Chapter 11 with this story cuz I mapped out all my chapters. So until then, enjoy the craziness! Yeah I don't feel like repeating the disclaimer but y'all already know…

WARNING: Tobi gets raped. MUAHAHAH I am evil.)

After the incident at the Splash Zone, Pein was pissed.

"Okay, so I see that we can't ever do anything fun with you imbeciles anymore." He said angrily.

"Tobi had fun!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you, ya stupid ass basketball head? For Jashin's sake, you're a grown ass man!" said Hidan. Who else?

They continued the drive home in silence.

"We should pay a visit to my good friend Orochimaru." Sasori said. "Although he would probably rape Tobi."

"That's actually a good idea." Kisame said. " We wouldn't hear a word out of him for a while."

"Yay! Orochimaru can rape Tobi! Wait, what's rape?" Tobi asked.

"Okay, I'll call Orochimaru when we get home. We can go see him tomorrow." Pein said, ignoring Tobi's question.

When they got home, everyone went to do what they usually did when they were home. Kisame was in the neighbors pool, Hidan was in his chamber, Kakuzu was counting his money, Sasori was making a puppet, Pein was in his office, Konan was making origami in the kitchen, Zetsu was in the forest, and Tobi was playing Mario Kart while Itachi and Deidara watched.

"Itachi-san, do you want to play with Tobi?"

"No. That game is a waste of time. You should do something useful with your time, like train." Itachi said.

"Well do you want to play with Tobi , senpai?" Tobi asked Deidara.

Deidara sighed. He always got stuck with doing stuff with Tobi. He reluctantly took the second Wii controller from Tobi.

"I'm hungry." Itachi announced and went into the kitchen. He looked through the refrigerator. There was a human head and a carton of apple juice. Itachi sighed.

"Why can't Zetsu keep his snacks in his room?" he said aloud.

"Hey Kakuzu, Give me money so that I can order pizza." He yelled upstairs to Kakuzu.

"We have food in the refrigerator. Eat that."

"Greedy bastard…" Itachi thought. He went upstairs to Kakuzu and Hidan's room. "Give me the money, you old money whorer." Itachi said, turning on his mangekyo sharigan. "Don't make me use this."

"Like I'm scared of your little power." Kakuzu scoffed.

Itachi put Kakuzu into a hell where he had to watch money burn for the next 72 hours with his sharigan.

"NOOOOO!" Kakuzu screamed. Itachi took some money and went downstairs to order the pizza.

Itachi sat on the couch in the living room where Deidara and Tobi were still playing Mario Kart with the box of the pizza.

"Oooh, Tobi wants pizza!"

"No. This pizza is mine."

"Come on Itachi, you have to share the pizza, un!"

Tobi grabbed the box of pizza from Itachi.

"Hahaha, Tobi has the pizza!" Deidara grabbed the box from him and the pizza flew out.

"Great. Now the pizzas on the floor, you idiots." Itachi said, throwing a slice of pizza at Deidara. Deidara picked it up and threw it Tobi. Tobi threw it at Itachi. Soon, a pizza food fight started. Cheese and tomato sauce got all over the couch and walls. Pein came downstairs to see what was going on.

"What the hell are you idiots doing?" he yelled as Tobi threw a slice of pizza as his face.

"CLEAN THIS SHIT UP NOW!" he yelled at Itachi, Deidara, and Tobi. Itachi got up slowly and went to the kitchen to get stuff to clean the walls. Deidara went upstairs to get some stuff the clean off the couches and chairs. Tobi just stood there.

"I said, go clean it up, Tobi." Pein told the masked man.

"But Tobi doesn't want to! Tobi wants to go play Mario Kart."

"I see." Pein called for his six other bodies to come upstairs. He kept them in the bedroom in the basement, where they occasionally helped Hidan with his sacrifices.

"Now Tobi, are you going to clean up this mess?" Pein asked.

"No, Tobi wants to play Mario Kart!" One of Pein's bodies picked Tobi up and carried him downstairs. "Put Tobi down! He's a good boy!"

"NO, Tobi is a bad boy." The Pein with the ponytail said. The rest of the Peins went downstairs. When Itachi and Deidara came back into the living room, they asked their leader where Tobi went.

"Oh, he had to go do something for me."

Itachi and Deidara heard Tobi scream from downstairs and said nothing They started to clean up the living room.

The next day, Pein announced that they would be going to visit Orochimaru today. Tobi sat at the kitchen table shivering. He was traumatized from being raped by all six Peins. It had been terrifying.

The Akatsuki arrived at the gate to Orochimaru's house. Kabuto stood at the gate to let them in.

"Welcome Akatsuki. Orochimaru-sama has been waiting for you." The Akatsuki went into the living room, where Orochimaru was on the couch, brushing Sasuke's hair.

Itachi saw this and narrowed his eyes.

"Hello foolish little brother." He addressed Sasuke. Sasuke just stared angrily at him. He hated Orochimaru and was mad that Itachi wouldn't save him.

"Hello my friends." Orochimaru greeted the Akatsuki in his creepy voice. "How have you been Sasori?" he asked his old partner.

"I'm ok, thank you." Sasori said.

"Ahh Itachi. You look very good. SO strong and handsome." Orochimaru said, rubbing Itachi's arm. Itachi flinched.

"That is one creepy ass, child molesting snake." Hidan whispered to Kakuzu. Kakuzu had to agree with him.

"Would you be interested in becoming my man servant?" he asked Itachi.

"You're WHAT?"

"You know, manservant. You do various things for me." Itachi was getting really creeped out by Orochimaru so he went to stand behind Kisame.

"Oh, what do we have here?" Orochimaru asked, referring to Tobi.

"Hi! I'm Tobi and I'm a good boy!" Tobi told him.

"A very good boy, indeed. Would you like some candy Tobi?" Orochimaru asked.

"Tobi loves candy!"

"Ok, follow me. Everyone else, just stay here." Orochimaru took Tobi's hand and took him to his bedroom, where he raped him.

"I told you he would rape Tobi." Sasori said.

(ok, so that was kinda crappy…I'll continue the next chapter at Orochimaru's house but I was running out of ideas. Anyway, review please!)


	6. Trapped in Orochimaru's House

Trapped In Orochimaru's House

(A/N: This chapter is pure madness. I have no clue what was wrong with me when I wrote it. There is something seriously wrong with me. I hope you enjoy the product of my mental illness . There is more epic rape in here but it's not explicit or anything. I don't own Naruto and blah blah blah.)

After Orochimaru left with Tobi, Pein and Konan disapperead as usual, so the Akatsuki just stayed in the living room.

"Do you want a lollipop, Tobi?"

"Tobi loves lollipops! Wait, that's not a lollipop… NOOOO!"

"Alright, I think I'm going outside!" Kisame said, getting up. He walked over to the front door, but it was locked. "Uhm, Sasuke, why is the door locked?"

"Orochimaru locks the doors when he's busy." Sasuke replied. "You probably can't leave until he's done with your friend."

"Is this what he does to you, little brother?" Itachi asked the younger Uchiha.

"What do you think, dumb ass?"

They were quiet. Everyone could hear Tobi screaming and asking for help but they ignored him.

Hidan and Deidara walked through the halls of Orochimaru's huge house. Hidan had been snooping around and Deidara had been looking for the bathroom. They found each other in the kitchen and now they were lost, looking for the living room.

"Great, I get to be stuck in this creepy ass, child molesting snake's house with you, the girliest fucking man ever." After 20 minutes of Hidan's bitching, Deidara stuffed clay into his ears. Hidan was the most irritating person to be stuck with. How did Kakuzu deal with him?

Deidara opened a door that looked like it could lead to the living room, only to find Kabuto tied to a bed naked.

"What the fuck?" Hidan said.

"Okay, I'm not opening any more doors, un." Deidara slowly closed the door. He and Hidan continued down the long hallway. Hidan opened a door at the end of the hall and saw Orochimaru getting it on with Tobi.

"Oh, Jashin…what. The. Fuck. That's the fucking gayest shit I have ever seen."

Tobi looked up at the sound of Hidan's voice.

"Yay, Hidan-san and Deidara-senpai! You've come to save me!" Tobi exclaimed. Deidara was frozen where he was and peed on himself.

"Uh, no we didn't. We were looking for the bathroom." Hidan said, equally shocked.

"It's down the hall the other way. Last door on the right." Orochimaru told him. Hidan slowly turned and ran down the hall to the bathroom, leaving Deidara paralyzed in shock.

Hidan found the bathroom. And shut and locked the door tightly. He didn't want that creep watching him while he was taking a shit. Little did he know, Orochimaru had cameras in all of the bathrooms. Hidan sat on the toilet and let out a huge fart.

"Damn, what the fuck did I eat today?" he asked himself.

Meanwhile, Orochimaru had just finished raping Tobi. Tobi was in the corner, curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth. He was still naked, too scarred to put his clothes back on.

"Ahhh, Tobi, I liked that. You should come visit me more often." Orochimaru said, licking Tobi's face with his freakishly long tongue. Tobi shivered. "Now, let's see who's in the bathroom." Orochimaru walked over to his closet, where he kept the TVs that were hooked up to the cameras in the bathroom. All of the bathrooms were empty except for the one Hidan was in.

"Dammit, I was hoping the blonde one would be in there. Oh well, I can still watch the one who doesn't wear a shirt. Now that I think about it, he does have a sexy chest. Mmmmmmm." Orochimaru stood in his closet, watching Hidan take a shit.

Tobi saw his opening to escape. He grabbed his clothes and ran out the door. He ran right into Deidara, who was still standing by the door, paralyzed.

"Senpai! We have to leave this place, Tobi is scared!" Deidara finally snapped out of it.

"Oh my gosh, put some clothes on, un!" Tobi put on his Akatsuki cloak and ran down the hall into the living room.

"Have fun getting raped, Tobi?" Sasuke asked. Tobi sat down on the floor and started crying.

"Aww, don't cry." Zetsu's white side said. "**Stop crying, you cry baby piece of shit."** Zetsu's black side said. Zetsu's white side smacked his black side on the head.

"We have to get out of here! Visiting Orochimaru was the worst idea you've ever had danna, un!" Deidara told Sasori.

"Where's Hidan?" Kakuzu asked suddenly.

"I don't know."

"AHHHH! YOU SNAKE PIECE OF SHIT GET YOUR CREEPY ASS OFF OF ME! WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR TONGUE? WHAT THE FUCK! NOOOOO!"

"Sounds like he's getting raped too." Sasori said.

"I think we should leave, like, now, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"I already told you idiots, you can't leave until Orochimaru-sama is done." Sasuke said. Itachi slapped him.

"Hey!" Sasuke rubbed his head.

Deidara started running around in a circle, screaming his head off like a girl. Kakuzu smacked him with a wad of money.

"What is going on in here?" Pein and Konan finally came back in to the living room.

"Orochimaru is raping everyone. I don't wanna be next! I'm too pretty, un!" Deidara yelled, running around again. Kakuzu slapped him with his money wad again.

"Calm down. Orochimaru is our friend and he would never hurt any of us." Pein said.

"He already raped Tobi." Sasuke spoke up. Tobi nodded sadly for emphasis.

"And he's raping Hidan now." Sasori added.

"Oh. Well, uh, yeah we need to get out of here." Pein said, not wanting to be next.

"Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?" Sasuke asked, frustrated.

Pein ignored Sasuke and tried to open the front door. A loud alarm sounded.

"Dammit Pein! Now he's really gonna rape me,un!" Deidara said.

Orochimaru rushed into the living room at the sound of the alarm. He had Hidan with him, on a leash.

"Sasuke-kun, I told you to make sure they wouldn't get out, You know what's going to happen now?" Orochimaru asked the Uchiha.

"Fuck…."Sasuke said.

"Now," Orochimaru continued. "I will not allow you to leave until I get what I want. Itachi, the pretty boy, and the puppet." Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori all looked at each other, scared.

"You can't have them." Pein told the snake.

"I WILL get what I want." Orochimaru said. "But I see that I have to use my secret weapon. Joey, come out here."


	7. The Return of Joey

**THE RETURN OF JOEY**

(A/N: I'm sorry I took so long to update… I wasn't motivated enough to hurry and write another chapter due to lack of reviews. I've decided that I will keep going with the story, regardless of how many people review cause someone is reading it and I don't want to disappoint them. Just fyi, the Susano'o is this cool jutsu thing I saw Sauke use against Danzo in the manga. Idk if it's been used in the anime or manga before though. Anywho, I really have been busy and not had enough time to update. So here you go, Chapter 7! In my opinion, it's crappy. Yay! Lol. Joey is based on this guy at my school who is really tall and awkward and had lots of pimples. He's also a pimp, somehow… xD. Anyway, enjoy!)

As soon as Orochimaru called for his secret weapon, a gangly, pimply teenager came out of nowhere.

"What the fuck? That's the kid whose head I chopped off!" Hidan said, who was still tied to Orochimaru's leash. Everyone stared at him.

"I'm very sorry you have to live with that man, little brother." Itachi said, patting Sasuke on his head.

Deidara, who had finally stopped running around, was hiding behind the couch.

"And that's the kid from McDonald's I blew up, un!" He yelled.

"Yes, I know." Orochimaru said. "Joey here has been following you around to see what you've been up to. I made him immortal, which is why everytime you think you've killed him, he's still alive."

"So why did you need your secret weapon?" Pein asked.

"If I must fight you to get what I want, Joey can do it for me." Orochimaru hissed in his creepy voice.

"Dammit Sasori, why did I listen to you?" Pein asked the puppet. Sasori just shrugged. "I should just hand you over to Orochimaru so he can rape you." He continued.

"I'm not going to let Orochimaru rape me or anyone else." Itachi spoke up. "Well, anyone other than those he already raped." he added.

"Well, I guess I have to fight you now." Joey said, his voice cracking. He was so tall and awkward. He ran over to where Itachi was standing, his legs going out in strange directions when he ran.

Itachi turned on his Mangekyo Sharingan.

"Amateratsu!" The weird looking black flames rolled towards the immortal teenager. The black flames consumed Joey, but he just stood there with a bored expression on his face.

"Is that all you can do? Orochimaru-sama told me you were strong, but you don't seem all that strong to me." He taunted Itachi. Itachi focused his chakra so that he could make the Susano'o with his Sharingan. A giant demon grabbed Joey with it's claws and squeezed Joey.

"What the heck!" Joey struggled to get out of the grasp of the Susano'o .

"Stop moving, or I'll crush you." Itachi told him coldly.

"See, this is why I love Itachi." Kisame whispered to Kakuzu. The miser rolled his eyes.

Joey was starting to get scared. He believed the Susano'o could really crush him. Tobi, who had went to hide behind the couch with Deidara, slowly came out of hiding.

"Don't kill him, Itachi-san!" he yelled to the Uchiha , who was about to crush the immortal teenager.

"Shut up Tobi. Unless you want to get raped again." Orochimaru said. Tobi quickly shut his mouth and went back behind the couch. The Susano'o squeezed Joey tighter and tighter. The pimply kid screamed. Tobi really wanted to help Joey, he hated seeing people get hurt.

"Itachi-san, if you let Joey go, I'll make sure snake man doesn't rape you, somehow!"

Itachi ignored the masked man and squeezed tighter. Joey couldn't breathe now.

"Listen to him ,Itachi. **No, I want to eat the yummy kid**." Zetsu said. The Susano'o slowly let go. Itachi was running out of chakra anyway. That jutsu was crazy. Joey dropped to the floor and gasped. If it was possible, his legs were even more bent out of shape.

"Now's your chance to get them , Joey!:" Orochimaru yelled to him. Poor Hidan still couldn't get off of his leash.

Joey slowly stood up, unlocked the door, and ran out. Tobi followed him.

"Why didn't I Think of that, un?" Deidara asked.

"Get back here Joey!" Orochimaru dropped Hidan's leash and ran after Joey.

"This place is a freak show. Let's leave." Konan said. Everyone agreed and walked out of Orochimaru's door. Sasuke sat on the couch and sighed after everyone left. He was really gonna get it when Orochimaru came back. Itachi suddenly came back into the house. He felt really bad about leaving Sasuke.

"Little brother, would you like to come with us?" He asked the younger Uchiha.

"Really? YAY!" Sasuke jumped up and ran to Pein's van.

Back in the van, Hidan was ranting to Sasori.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Sasori? Why the hell would you ever tell us to visit that creepy ass snake?" Hidan was beyond pissed. Sasori ignored him as usual and stared out the window.

"And Itachi, why the fuck did you bring his sex toy? Now he's gonna hunt us down and try to fuck my brains out again! Do you know how many sacrifices to Jashin I have to give now? I don't even know! But I'll figure it out when we get home. But you don't know anything about that because you didn't get raped, you puppet-making son of a-" Kakuzu stitched Hidan's mouth together with his threads. He was losing his temper, he hated when Hidan went on and on like that.

"Thank you. So much." Pein said, driving out of Orochimaru's yard. He stopped suddenly.

"Shit, we left Tobi." He turned the van around.

"We could've left him, you know. No one would miss him." Itachi said. Everyone had to agree with him. Tobi was annoying as fuck.

"How about we leave your brother. By the way, who said he could come along anyway?" Pein countered. Itachi's eyes clouded over.

"Dammit Pein, you've made him mad now!" Sasuke scooted away from his brother before he did something bad. Pein ignored them and started searching for Tobi. He spotted Tobi under a tree making out with Joey. Orochimaru sat in chair watching them, close by.

Everyone looked at Hidan, expecting him to make a comment, but they remembered his lips were sewn together.

Pein got out of his van and walked over to Tobi.

"Tobi! Unless you want to stay with Orochimaru, get your ass in the van."

"But Tobi loves Joey."

Kisame and Deidara gagged.

Pein sighed. He had a massive headache. When they got home, everyone was leaving so he could have some peace and quiet. Except Konan, of course.

"Fine, Joey can come too."

"Yay!" Tobi grabbed Joey's pimply arm (yes, he even has pimples on his arm.) and steered him towards the truck.

"You cannot take Joey, he's mine!" Orochimaru hissed. Joey turned around and pimp slapped the snake man.

"I hate you Orochimaru." He said, his voice cracking. Joey and Tobi got into the van and Pein drove everyone home.


	8. Itachi, Kisame, and Sasuke go to Konoha

Chapter 8: Trip to Konoha

(A/N: Once again, sorry for the long update. I actually have been writing but my internet's been off for a while and it's been hard trying to update. I really like this chapter because it's so random and it kinda has nothing to do with the story xD. Anyway, I had so much inspiration for this one and wanted to continue it. I had a hard time debating whether I would make it into another story or just leave it here…If I should continue it as another story, let me know though! Enough of my talking, Enjoy the story. By the way, sorry for making the Author's Note so long. I'll try to make them shorter..xD.)

A few weeks after the awful things that happened at Orochimaru's house were over, the Akatsuki started going on missions. One day, everyone was out on a mission except for Itachi and Kisame, and Pein and Konan. Oh yeah, and Sasuke. But he doesn't count because he's like their slave-person. Sasuke was glad to be with the Akatsuki. Even though he wasn't a real member and had to do whatever they said, he looked to the bright side. At least they didn't rape him daily. But he would never tell him that, being the cocky bastard he is.

Sasuke was sitting on the couch in the living room-his usual spot whenever he wasn't busy-eating a tomato and watching TV. Pein and Konan were in their bedroom doing the usual, (paperwork, what else?), Kisame was feeding his fish/brothers, and Itachi was in the backyard burning ants. Why he was doing this, the world may never know.

Pein took a break from his "paperwork" and came downstairs to get himself something to eat ."Where are Kisame and Itachi?" he asked Sasuke.

The younger Uchiha shrugged, not taking his eyes off the TV. Pein was hungry, so he went into the kitchen and looked in the frig. Nothing.

"Damn, we need to go grocery shopping." He muttered to himself.

Pein didn't like shopping in the Rain Village because Kakuzu always complained that it was too expensive. So when they desperately needed stuff, he sent someone to Konoha, where things were cheaper.

"Sasuke, go find Itachi and Kisame." He called to chicken-haired boy, who was still watching mindless TV. He was kind of zoned out and either didn't hear Pein or was ignoring him at the moment.

"NOW!" Pein yelled at him. Sasuke jumped up from the couch and ran outside to the backyard. He spotted Itachi sitting on the ground near an ant hill.

"What are you doing, Itachi?" Sasuke asked his older brother.

"Killing these puny ants. They are not strong enough to live." Itachi replied, not looking up from his work.

"Uhm…Anyway, Pein-sama wants you and Kisame for something."

Itachi slowly stood up, angry because he was interrupted while doing important work. Yeah, right. He followed Sasuke back into the house.

"Where's Kisame?" Pein asked as soon as he saw Itachi.

"You interrupted my important work to ask me where fish-boy was?" Itachi asked angrily.

"Did someone call me?" Kisame came from the room he and Itachi shared carrying a fish bowl.

"Yes, Itachi did." Pein said, amused by the fact that the shark nin answered to the name of "Fish-boy".

"Anyway," Pein continued. " I need you and Itachi to go grocery shopping."

"Ugh, why can't you do it?"

"Because I said that you have to do it. Do not disobey me." Pein glared at the blue-skinned man. He handed the grocery list to Itachi, the responsible one.

"Sasuke, you have to go too."

"Aww, man. " Sasuke sighed.

"Can we take the van?" Kisame asked.

"No. We have to walk." Itachi replied.

"…"

And so, Kisame, Itachi, and Sasuke set off to Konoha. On foot, of course.

Days later, when they finally arrived at the Leaf Village, Itachi was extremely irritated. Kisame and Sasuke had been singing random songs and dancing the whole way there to keep entertained. Neither of them could sing. It was hell. They had to go shopping in disguise because they were all wanted criminals, of course. And they didn't want to get kicked out or anything, or else Pein would kill them.

Itachi and Kisame took their Akatsuki robes off and hid them in bushes by the gate to Konoha.

"Wait, don't you think we should disguise ourselves more?" Kisame asked.

"You're right. Okay, we'll pose as a family. I'm the dad, you're the mom, and Sasuke is our kid." Itachi said.

"Wait, I didn't mean like that!" Too late. Itachi had already transformed. He looked older and like a dad-person.

Sasuke shrugged and transformed into a little girl with a pink bow in his hair. Kisame reluctantly transformed into a woman.

Itachi, the so-called emotionless one, fell down on the ground, laughing his head off at the sight of Kisame and Sasuke.

"What? Don't I look beautiful as a wom an?" Kisame asked, striking a pose. Sasuke sweat-dropped.

"You know, you didn't have to turn into a girl, Sasuke." Itachi said to his younger brother, still laughing on the ground.

"People would recognize me." Sasuke explained, slightly embarrassed.

"Ok." Itachi said, regaining his composure. "To you, my name will be Fugaku. And Kisame, we will call you Mikoto."

"Why do you have mother and father's names?" Sasuke asked in his cute little girl voice.

"Because…." Itachi searched for a reason. Luckily, he was interrupted by Kisame.

"Aww you are so cute!" the shark man-er, woman- squealed, pinching Sasuke's cheeks.

"You're name will be Suki. Come on, my beautiful daughter!" Kisame picked Sasuke up. All Itachi could do was shake his head at his weirdo partner and brother.

Itachi, Kisame, and Sasuke walked to the center of the village, where all the shops were. On their way to the grocery store, they spotted Choji, Ino, and Shikamaru. Ino walked over to them when she saw chibi girl Sasuke.

"Aww, look at the cute little girl! What's her name?" Ino asked Kisame and Itachi.

"AHHH!" Sasuke screamed and hid behind Itachi.

"Uh, Sas- I mean, Suki's shy." Itachi explained.

"Do you like flowers, Suki?" Ino asked the little girl hiding behind her father.

Itachi turned to glare at Sasuke, who gulped.

"Uhm..y-yes. I like flowers." Sasuke said in his little girl voice.

"Aww, she is so cute! Can I take her to my flower shop?" Ino asked Itachi. "It's over there." Ino pointed across the way.

"Sure, why not?" Itachi grinned evily.

Ino took little Suki over to her flower shop.

"I'm gonna show you all the pretty flowers, Suki!" Ino said, taking Sasuke's hand.

"_I'm going to kill you, Itachi. Just you wait…" _Sasuke thought.

"Mmmmm." Choji drooled over Kisame. "You look like sushi."

"Uh…"

"You're pretty. I like you." Choji said to the blue man, er, woman.

"Choji, you idiot, that's his wife." Shikamaru said.

"She's not my wife. You can take her." Itachi said.

"Yay!" Choji exclaimed, dragging Kisame away.

"This is such a drag." Shikamaru sighed, following Choji.

Itachi, glad to be rid of his brother and partner, walked into the grocery store to get the items on Pein's list.

Sasuke was surprisingly enjoying his time with Ino. It was only because she didn't know who he was, of course.

"Oh Suki, I wish I had a little sister like you." Ino sighed, arranging some flowers.

"Well you can be my older sister if you'd like, Ino-neechan." Suki said, hugging Ino.

Just then, Choji came to the shop with Kisame, er, Mikoto.

"Hey there's your mom. I wonder why she's with Choji?" Ino wondered aloud.

"Hey Ino, I'm taking Mikoto on a date and I told her to pick out some flowers she likes."

Sasuke coughed back a laugh. Kisame glared at him.

Itachi came out of the grocery store carrying a ton of bags. He spotted Kisame and Sasuke at Ino's flower shop.

"Kisa- ah, Mikoto, Suki, time to go." Itachi called to them.

"Coming Fugaku!" Kisame yelled back, grabbing Sasuke. The three of them walked back to the Konoha gate and when they were a safe distance away from the city, Itachi poofed back to his original form and put his robe back on.

"Aren't you guys going to transform back?" He asked Kisame and Sasuke, still in their girl forms.

"I like this form." Kisame said sheepishly.

"Me too." Sasuke added.

Itachi rolled his eyes.

"You two are so gay."

Kisame and Sasuke took turns braiding each others hair and talked excitedly about the sleepover they were planning to have when they got back to the base.

Itachi was ready to kill both of them but he had to admit, Kisame looked pretty good as a girl.

Itachi, Sasuke, and Kisame arrived home a few days later, just as it was getting dark.

"Hey Itachi, who are those two pretty girls you have with you?" asked Mr. Bob, their annoying, creepy neighbor. He was outside planting flowers. Zetsu kept pulling them up and ate them or whatever he did with flowers when he was out in the forest. Itachi ignored him and walked into the house. Pein and Konan were in the living room watching TV for a change.

Sasuke shivered at the thought of what they had possibly done on the couch, where he his every waking moment. When he wasn't doing slave work, that is.

"Itachi. I send you to go grocery shopping and you bring me back two ugly girls? Where are Kisame and Sasuke, anyway?" Pein asked.

Itachi, Kisame, and Sasuke set the grocery bags down on the kitchen table.

"Itachi-san thought I was so pretty, he decided to bring me home." Kisame, as Mikoto, said to Pein.

Itachi glared at him and gave him the finger.

"That's no way to treat a lady!" Kisame gasped at Itachi's Hidan-like behavior.

"Those are Kisame and Sasuke, leader-sama." Itachi explained, ignoring Kisame.

"Apparently, they're transsexuals now and since no woman will ever want them, they decided to turn into girls."

"Hey! I am not a tranny, like Orochimaru!" Sasuke transformed back into his normal self.

Kisame stayed as a woman.

"For God's sake, turn back into a man!" Konan yelled at him.

"Fine." Kisame sighed, and changed back into the shark-looking man he was.

"I have to say, Sasuke, you are very pretty as a little girl." Konan told him.

Sasuke beamed. Kisame pushed him into the kitchen.

"Go put the groceries away, servant boy." He yelled at him.

"You're just mad because you're an ugly girl!" Sasuke countered.

Kisame sighed, said he was going swimming, and rushed out the back door. Itachi knew that he was lying and just being a little bitch. Itachi went downstairs to the basement/Hidan's chamber/the meeting place/the laundry room/the training room to do his laundry.

Konan came into the kitchen, where Sasuke was putting groceries away.

"You were such a pretty girl, Sasuke." She sighed.

Sasuke smiled again and went back to putting the groceries away.

(Next time, Tobi's getting married! I promise to have it up within the next two days!)


	9. Tobi's Getting Married!

Chapter 9: Tobi's Getting Married!

(A/N: Hey y'all! Told ya I would update soon. This story is ending soon, I'm sad. I need to end it soon so that I can start on other stories. Don't worry, I will make a few sequels to it, since people like it so much. Oh, and if you have any requests for stories I should write later, PM me. Thanks to everyone who favorited the story, added it to their alerts, and reviewed. You made my day yesterday! I was so happy the whole day.

That inspired me to write faster. So, enough of my talk, enjoy the story!)

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own Naruto

It was normal day for the Akatsuki. Well, as normal as they can be. Everyone had the day off.

Pein was in his office assigning upcoming missions and doing other evil work. He heard Tobi screaming downstairs, which wasn't unusual, seeing as there was always someone torturing him.

"Shut the fuck up!" Hidan yelled from the basement, where he was worshipping his god.

"Tobi is so happy! I love you Joey!"

Pein decided to see what was going on with Tobi. He wondered where Konan was as he got up from his desk and went downstairs.

As he walked into the living room, he saw Tobi jumping up and down and Sasuke was keeled over Zetsu's favorite pot. Joey, the immortal teenager created by Orochimaru, was standing there awkwardly.

"What's going on here?" The pierced leader asked the basketball head. "And what's wrong with Sasuke?"

"Sasuke-kun starting throwing up after he saw Joey propose to me." Tobi explained..

On cue, Sasuke threw up into the pot again.

"What? You and Joey are getting married? How do you plan on doing this?" Pein was very uncomfortable with the idea of Tobi getting married to another guy, a teenage boy at that.

"Tobi and Joey will figure it out. We love each other."

With that, Sasuke threw up again. Poor kid was puking his guts out.

"Uhm, okay, you have fun with that." Pein said, slowly backing out of the living room. He ran back upstairs and shut the door to his office.

Konan was outside planting flowers instead of screwing Pein, for a change. Tobi came running outside to her, almost trampling her flowers. Konan was the only one in the Akatsuki who ever really listened to Tobi.

"Hey, watch it Tobi!" Konan called to him.

"Tobi is sorry, Konan-sama. Tobi needs your help" The bluenette stopped what she was doing.

"What is it, Tobi?"

"Tobi and Joey are getting married."

"Oh, that's nice." Konan went back to tending to her flowers. "What is it you need help with?"

"Tobi was wondering if Konan-sama could help plan Tobi's wedding."

"Oh my gosh! I would love to!" Konan squealed, getting excited.

"Yay!"

"There is so much work to be done," Konan said, standing up and brushing herself off so that she could get started planning the wedding. "Alright Tobi, Come on, let's get started.

"YAYYY!" Tobi ran around and hugged the paper kunoichi tightly.

They walked into the house through the back door, which leads to the kitchen.

Joey was in the refrigerator stuffing his face. Konan didn't know what he could be eating, because the only things in the refrigerator were random Zetsu snacks. Konan made a face at that thought.

"Joey! Konan-sama is going to help us plan our wedding!"

"Thabats gbwait." Joey said, still eating with his head in the frig.

Sasuke was still, for some reason, throwing up.

Hidan decided to come upstairs from the basement then. He had spent every moment he could there when they had gotten back from Orochimaru's.

Both he and Tobi cried themselves to sleep almost every night. Not together, though.

Hidan saw Joey eating out the refrigerator.

"What the fuck are you eating, you skinny ass bitch?" he asked the teen.

Joey didn't reply, he didn't hear Hidan. Hidan got mad, so he cut Joey's leg off with his scythe.

"Hey!" Joey exclaimed, trying to balance on one leg.

Next, Hidan walked into the living room where Sasuke was still throwing up, Itachi was watching him, and Konan and Tobi were excitedly talking about the wedding.

"What's wrong with the mini emo bitch?" Hidan asked Itachi.

"I don't know. He hasn't stopped throwing up long enough to tell me." Itachi replied.

Tobi stopped talking to Konan when he saw Hidan come in.

"Hidan-san! Tobi is getting married! To Joey!" Tobi told Hidan.

Hidan's eye twitched. A million cuss words ran through his mind, but he managed to keep them inside of his head.

"This shit gets gayer and gayer by the day." With that, he went back down to the basement where he would be for the next few days.

Upstairs, Tobi and Konan were in Konan's office planning the wedding.

"Okay, so what colors do you want for your wedding, Tobi?" The paper kunoichi asked him. Tobi thought for a moment.

"Tobi doesn't really care." He stopped. "But Tobi really like orange! And rainbows! But maybe we should ask Joey what he likes."

"Uh, ok. What about the cake? What flavor should it be?"

"Tobi likes chocolate cake. With vanilla frosting. Oooh, can we have ice cream, too?"

"This isn't a birthday party." Konan sighed.

She had to remember to be patient with the masked man, who she suspected was slightly retarded.

She wondered why Tobi was so dumb and childlike. Was he dropped one, too many times on the head as a child? Or maybe his stupid mask was too tight on his face, cutting off circulation to his brain? Anyway, Konan continued questioning Tobi when she saw that this was getting nowhere.

Konan decided that they needed to take a break, and she would ask Joey to help her, since he was more sane than his partner.

When Konan asked him though, he didn't really know, or care.

So Konan consulted Kakuzu, her last resort.

Konan decided to approach Kakuzu when he was in a good mood, which was now, since he and Hidan had just came back from a mission. The person he killed along the way was loaded and Kakuzu happily collected all of his money.

Kakuzu was at his desk in his room gleefully counting his money when Konan approached him.

"Hey Kakuzu, can you help me plan Tobi's wedding?"

Kakuzu looked up, his red and green eyes glowing fiercely. He was annoyed that he was interrupted.

"Who's Tobi getting married to? Zetsu?"

Konan scoffed.

"No. Joey. You know, that kid we rescued from Orochimaru?"

"Oh yeah, that thing." Kakuzu went back to counting his money,

"Kakuzu!" Konan yelled, getting his attention again.

Kakuzu sighed. "What do you want, you bothersome woman?"

"I need your help planning!" Konan was getting really pissed at Kakuzu.

"Fine." Kakuzu sighed.

"Okay, so we need cake, some decorations, colors, and a guest list. For decorations, I was thinking lots and lots of pretty flowers. Also, we need food and-"

"How much is this gonna cost?" Kakuzu asked, cutting her off.

"I don't know yet, that's why I'm asking you for help!" Konan exclaimed, exasperated.

"Fine. Sasori can make the food and cake, I'll buy him the supplies. Deidara can make he flowers and decorations out of clay or whatever, and Sasuke can help cook the rest of the food. Hidan can make the guest list and I'll find something for everyone else to do."

"You are awesome, Kuzu!" Konan beamed. Her face fell. "But what will everyone wear?"

"You worry too much woman. Let me handle that." With that, he dismissed Konan and went back to his money counting. He sighed once more, thinking about how he was to part with his precious money soon.

Deidara was bored, so he went to bother Sasuke. Why Sasuke, you ask? Because the only other person he bothered was Sasori and Sasori said that if he bothered him again, he would stick poison up his ass.

Sasuke was supposed to be cleaning up his puke in the living room, but he was really sitting down watching TV.

"Hey Sasuke, un." Deidara called, coming into the living room.

Sasuke turned his attention away from the television.

"What do you want, Deidara-chan?" Sasuke didn't like the blonde. He was so annoying, always making him do stuff just for the heck of it.

"Well Itachi-san showed me some pictures of you as a girl. He also told me you enjoyed it. I didn't know you were a crossdresser, un." Deidara laughed evilly.

"Well, I was only a girl that once. And I did NOT!" Sasuke said, embarrassed. "What's your excuse for looking like a girl all the time, hm Dei-chan?"

Deidara abruptly stopped laughing.

"Fuck you bitch, un." Deidara could see that he lost this battle, but he would get Sasuke back, if it was the last thing he did. (A/N: Omg I did not realize that he did die when he fought Sasuke when I wrote this!)

As Deidara went into the kitchen, he ran into Konan.

"Oh, Deidara! I was just looking for you. I need you to make some decorations for Tobi's wedding."

"WTF? Tobi's getting married? To who?" Deidara asked, puzzled.

"Why does everyone keep asking that? Has everyone been oblivious to the tall skinny kid who lives in his and Zetsu's room?" Konan asked, exasperated.

"Konan-sama, you know perfectly well that no one cares about Tobi, un." Deidara said to her.

Konan thought for a moment. "That's true, but I care about him."

"Whatever, now what is it that you need me to make, un?"

"Just some flowers and streamers and stuff. Wedding decoration-type things."

"Okay, when is the wedding anyway, un?"

Konan gasped. "I hadn't thought of that! But have them ready by the end of the week!" Konan rushed off to find Tobi and consult him about the wedding date.

Deidara sighed and decided that he'd better get started making the decorations. He didn't want Konan to kill him.

( Alrighty…next chapter is the wedding and second to last chapter. Pein and Hidan came across as homophobic to me, but I didn't mean to. Anyway, I didn't really like this chapter, It was badly written to me. Okay, bye for now!)


	10. The Awesome NOT Wedding

Chapter 10: The Wedding

(A/N: Sorry for taking so long to post this…I had to make sure it was good enough. Yay! NO school for the rest of the week! I'll be writing all week, which is what I do with all of my freetime…I have no social life…lol. I do but I neglect it for you all, haha. Enjoy this crazy chapter!)

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own Naruto

The big day was finally here. The wedding was to start at 3. Until then, everyone had to put the finishing touches on everything.

Konan was helping Tobi get ready, and getting herself ready; Kakuzu was out buying the rest of the food, Kisame had gone with him to make sure he didn't lose his temper; Sasori was baking the cake, fighting his temptation to put poison in it; Deidara was in the living room, surrounded by hundreds of clay flowers; Hidan out in the forest, looking for Zetsu; Pein was trying to figure out how many guests were coming; And Itachi was taking a shower upstairs. He had to look good for later.

(Zetsu and Hidan in the Forest)

Hidan stepped over twigs and leaves. They crunched under his shoes.

"Dammit Zetsu, why the hell does your creepy ass have to always go out in the forest to fuck plants?" Hidan suddenly stepped in something wet.

"What. The. Fuck. Did I just step in?"

"That would be my seed," Zetsu's white side said. **"I fucked that flower good."** Zetsu's black side said.

Hidan looked up to see Zetsu with a flower wrapped around his—you know.

"You horny, overgrown fucking Venus flytrap," Hidan started. "Do you know how long it's gonna take to clean my damn shoe off? A whole motherfucking week! Why? Because that stupid, pansy-ass leader who thinks he's God, sent me to go get your plant-fucking ass! I told him that you would come back when you were done, but no. Nobody ever listens to me, so you all can go rot in fucking Hell!"

Zetsu sighed, pulling his pants back up. "I think you should calm down, Hidan. **Yeah?** **Well everyone knows good and well what I do out here, so you should've prepared yourself!"**

Hidan couldn't hear him, he was still ranting and was started to walk away.

Zetsu quickly caught up to the silver-haired man.

"Are you going to wear a shirt to the wedding? **Of course not, he doesn't even wear one when he goes to church!"** Zetsu said.

Hidan finally stopped talking and looked at the overgrown plant, starting to rant again.

"Are you going to fuck the flowers at the wedding? There's gonna be a lot of them there, and I bet you'll fuck them all. I hope that blonde bitch puts bombs in them so that when you fuck the flowers, your dick will get blown off!" Hidan continued walking to the Akatsuki lair.

Zetsu made sure that he put his "seed" in Hidan's drink later.

At 2:30, everything was almost ready. Deidara was hogging the bathroom, taking forever to do his stupid hair. Konan was now done with Tobi and making herself look decent.

Hidan and Itachi were given the job of taking coats at the door and greeting guests.

Itachi was wearing a black suit with a white shirt underneath and a red bowtie.

Hidan was wearing the same thing, except for his lack of a shirt underneath his jacket.

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Pein had asked him.

The pink-eyed man had shrugged. "Shirts are against my religion."

Anyway, back to the task at hand.

All Hidan and Itachi had to do was stand at the front door and take people's coats if they had one. They also had to show them their way to the backyard, where the wedding ceremony and reception were taking place.

The first people to arrive were Orochimaru and Kabuto.

Hidan screamed like a little girl when he saw the snake man, remembering the horrible things Orochimaru had done to him. He ran and hid behind the TV, wishing he had worn a shirt after all.

"Hello Orochimaru, Kabuto. How are you this afternoon?" Itachi asked coolly, taking their coats.

"This is a nice place you've got here. Who knew that a pierced man such as Pein would have such excellent taste?" Orochimaru said, looking around. "And may I say that you look very handsome this afternoon?" Orochimaru licked his lips with his freaky long tongue. EW.

Itachi paled at what the sannin had just told him.

"Uhm, the wedding is taking place in the backyard, Hidan will lead you there."

" NO THE HELL I WON'T!" Hidan yelled from behind the TV.

"I would love that!" Orochimaru said, brightening at the sound of the immortal's voice.

Hidan reluctantly emerged from his hiding place and quickly told the snake and his manservant where to go.

"Oh, but won't you stay with me for a little while?" Orochimaru asked seductively.

"Hell no." Hidan ran back to his post next to Itachi. "I hate you, you red-eyed bitch." He told him.

Itachi shrugged.

"Why didn't Konan give Sasuke this job?" Itachi asked himself.

"Because that brother of yours is probably secretly fucking her behind that pierced dickhead's back." Hidan replied.

The next guests to arrive were Team 7: Sakura, Naruto, Sai, and Yamato.

"HAH! Look at that bitch's shirt! It doesn't cover his whole chest!" Hidan had laughed when he saw Sai.

"And your not wearing a shirt at all. Is flauting your chest going to make up for your lack of a penis?" Sai asked.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?"

"Okay, moving on." Sakura had pushed Sai out of the way before anything bad could happen.

"Watch it, ugly." Sai said, rubbing his arm where Sakura had pushed him.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" Sakura yelled in his face.

"Uh, Hidan, please take them out back." Itachi said, before it became an all-out brawl.

"Come on Sai, Sakura." Yamato said, pulling them along.

"Why doesn't anyone ever pay attention to me? I'm awesome, believe it!" Naruto cried.

Hidan quickly showed Team 7 to the backyard. They were a bunch of freaks.

Just when Hidan and Itachi thought their job was done, two creepy women came in.

"Who the fuck are you?" Hidan asked the woman who was wearing mouse-shaped sunglasses, a bra and skirt made of cheese, weird high heels made of mouse skin, and had a dead mouse in her platinum blonde hair, which looked like a bird's nest.

"Hey guys, I'm here now, so the party can start!" The other woman, who looked greasy and drunk, said. Her hair looked like it was combed and her dress looked like it was made of peacocks who had been brutally murdered. She was also wearing this gigantic fur coat.

The greasy woman threw her coat at Itachi.

"And who invited this drunk bitch?" Hidan asked, still not having an answer to his first question.

"Konan did." Itachi replied. "The mouse lady's name is Madame Lala. The drunk one is Ka$. Apparently, Tobi is a big fan of theirs."

Ka$ wobbled on her 3-inch heels and almost crashed into a side table near the sofa.

"Oh my gosh, where did this table come from?" Ka$ laughed drunkenly.

"I think I'd better take her out back before she breaks something." Itachi said, handing Hidan her pet coat. It was so big, it could be considered a pet.

Just as she was about to run into the TV, Itachi caught her.

"OMG, your face is so cool! How did you get your eyes so red? And those lines on your face are so awesome. You should totally grow a beard!" Apparently, the girl was stoned too.

Hidan turned to face the mouse-obsessed lady, who was now smoking.

"Uh, you can just follow Itachi if you want." He told her.

"Awesome. I'm going to rock this bitch." With that, she put out her cigarette in Hidan's head and walked away.

Itachi came back then, and saw the cigarette in Hidan's hair.

"Uh…"

Hidan closed and locked the front door. "This wedding is going to be fucking weird." He said.

How right he was.

It was time for the wedding to start. Half an hour passed and it still didn't start.

"What the hell are we waiting for?" A random person, probably Kiba, yelled.

"Where the heck is Joey?" Konan hissed to Pein. The leader shrugged. He didn't really care.

Hidan was the priest (and still not wearing a shirt).

Just then, Orochimaru came down the aisle with a half-naked Joey, who had a gag in his mouth.

"WTF?" Deidara said.

Joey took the gag out of his mouth so he could speak.

"I'm sorry Tobi, but I'm going back to Orochimaru. He showed me what I've been missing." Orochimaru stuck his freakishly long tongue down Joey's throat.

There was a girl scream from the audience and everyone turned to see who it was—Sai.

"What? That was quite disturbing." Sai said, defending himself.

"But, Tobi loved Joey." Tobi started bawling as he saw the two men walk back down the aisle together.

Konan comforted the fragile, little man.

"Great, All that money wasted!" Kakuzu said angrily.

"Want some weed, baby? It's great." Madame Lala said, offering Kakuzu a joint.

He hesitantly took it from him.

"Well, no use in being sad. Time to party!" Ka$ yelled, standing up.

"Yeah!"

The reception started early, due to the failed wedding. All the guests were having a good time. Ka$ was dancing on table, more intoxicated than she was when she came. She fell off the table near Tobi and giggled like mad.

"Do you want to dance, Tobi?" Konan asked him.

Tobi sadly shook his head.

"Awe, don't be sad." Konan went over to Zetsu. "Could you make your partner feel better?"

"Sure. **Why? I don't want to**."

Zetsu walked over to Tobi.

"What will make you feel better, Tobi? **Wanna come to the forest with me**?"

"No. Can me and Zu Zu go swimming?"

"**What the hell?** Of course."

So Tobi went swimming with Zetsu.

Meanwhile, Ka$ was trying to hit on Itachi. She was trying to get him to dance with her.

"Come on dude! You are like, so hot. Dance with me!"

Itachi just stood there, not knowing what to do. It was very awkward.

Kisame saw her doing this from across the room, and came to save his partner. Quickly, he changed into his woman form (from when he and Itachi went to Konoha.)

"Oh hell no bitch, stay away from my man!"  
Itachi saw the girl Kisame and widened his eyes.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend, she's ugly too." Ka$ said.

Kisame got mad

"Oh no she didn't!"

Ka$ and Girl Kisame started fighting. Itachi was scarred from this scene for the rest of his life.

(That was kinda long, next is the last chapter: Pein's going to take Tobi to a candy store to make him feel better. The ending was kinda crappy…Anyway, Ka$ is my knockoff Ke$ha and Madame Lala is Lady Gaga. I couldn't exactly put them in here, so I gave them different names and junk. Oh well, tell me what you think about this chapter!)


	11. Tobi Loves Candy!

Chapter 11: Tobi Loves Candy!

(A/N: Well, here it is. The last chapter. It's a bit weird I guess. While writing this story, I've realized what a sick mind I have, so I'll be checking into a mental hospital soon. Just kidding. I'm definitely making a sequel to this though. Thanks for all of your support for my first fanfic. Enjoy! ^^)

* * *

Itachi woke up with a huge handover and a massive headache. He had no clue what went last night after the wedding reception, but he was sure that it wasn't good.

Itachi slowly sat up in bed and groaned. As his vision slowly returned to him, he saw that there was another person in bed with him. Or should I say shark nin?

Kisame—in girl form—was sleeping peacefully in Itachi;'s bed. He was not wearing any clothes, and neither was Itachi, he soon realized.

Kisame must have felt Itachi's death glare on him because he immediately woke up.

"Hey, Itachi." He said softly.

"What happened to me?" Itachi asked, although he already knew that they had probably had sex.

"Well, at the wedding reception last night, that drunk girl tried to seduce you. I beat her up pretty good. You and I had a few drinks afterwards, and now here we are."

"Well, this is awkward." Itachi said.

And so, Itachi and Kisame sat in bed, naked, pointedly not looking at each other. It was because no one wanted to get up and let the other see them naked, and vice versa.

After being like this for half an hour, they heard a loud knock at their door.

"Itachi, Kisame? Are you awake? Leader-sama needs you, un." Deidara said through the door.

"Oh shit." Kisame said, getting up to put his clothes on. At some point when he and Itachi were ignoring each other, he had turned back into a man.

As he got up, Itachi got a nice view of his blue, wrinkled ass.

"For God's sake, put some underwear on! And why is your butt wrinkled?" Itachi yelled, shielding his precious eyes.

"It's from spending all that time in the pool, okay?" Kisame explained.

Little did they both know, Deidara was at he door listening in. He knew what went on last night between them because his and Sasori's room was right next to Itachi and Kisame's. And Deidara's bed was by the wall next to their room.

He planned to use this valuable information to blackmail Itachi.

Things were awkward at the dinner table.

Zetsu was in the forest as usual, eating his breakfast, Pein and Konan were oblivious to everyone, Sasori was bored, Hidan was just eating his food, being quiet for a change; Tobi was depressed, Itachi was sitting as far away from Kisame as he possibly could, and Deidara had an evil grin on his face.

"That was a fun party." Konan said, attempting to break the silence. It was never this quiet during breakfast.

"Yeah it was fun! Especially after the reception, un." Deidara added, looking at Kisame as he said this. Kisame gulped nervously.

"Ew, what went on after the reception? Don't tell me you fucked that piece of wood." Hidan said, wrinkling his nose.

"I didn't do anything like that last night. But I know someone who did, un." Deidara looked at Itachi, who glared at him.

"How are you feeling today Tobi?" Pein asked Tobi, who was being uncharacteristically quiet.

"Tobi is still sad."

"What will make you feel better?" Konan asked him.

"Can Tobi have candy?"

Pein and Konan looked at each other. Tobi was not allowed to have candy ever again. And there was a good reason why.

***Flashback***

Hidan gave Tobi a piece of chocolate. He was starting to annoy him and Hidan had things to do.

"Yummy!" Tobi said. Suddenly, he felt a sugar rush. He ripped off all his clothes and raced outside.

"Oh, shit." Hidan muttered.

"Why hello, Tobi." The neighbor, Mr. Bob, said when he saw him.

Tobi got down on all fours, growled at him, and proceeded to eat a flower buried in the ground. After he was done with that, Tobi ran down the street. A little boy saw him. "MY EYES!" he screamed. Tobi spotted a squirrel and climbed into the tree to bark at it like a dog. The rest of the Akatsuki sat in their backyard and watched this amusing scene.

***End Flashback***

But Pein decided to make an exception this time. Only because Tobi was depressed, and maybe eating candy would return him to his normal self.

* * *

Pein, Konan, Tobi, and Hidan got into the van and drove to Sweet Tooth, the biggest candy store in Ame. Hidan came along because Kakuzu was still high and mellow and it freaked him out.

Tobi looked out the window during the ride and saw the huge candy cane on top of the store and screamed for joy.

Tobi rushed out of the car and into the store, where there was so much candy. He had a spaz attack from just looking at it!

Tobi ran around the store and took handfuls of candy into his mouth. He grabbed a million plastic bags and filled them with candy.

Pein, Konan, and Hidan just stood there watching Tobi have a good time.

"Hey, I hope you plan on paying for all that candy." Hidan turned his head at the sound of the creepiest man on the planet: Orochimaru. Yes, he owned Sweet Tooth. He used his store to lure little kids to his house.

Tobi, in his state of excitement, had forgotten who Orochimaru was and what he did to him. That's why he ran and hugged him.

"Tobi loves you! Thank you for this store!"

Orochimaru was very pleased with this. 'Well I have a special kind of candy in the back called Orochi-Pops. Care to try them?"

"Oh no, not this again." Pein said.

* * *

At home, Itachi and Kisame were trying to avoid each other. Deidara was trying to torment them so it was kinda hard to stay away from each other and him.

Itachi was in the living room watching TV with Sasuke.

Well, Sasuke was watching TV and Itachi was trying to talk to him.

"Sasuke. Sasuke!" Itachi said.

"What do you want, can't you see I'm trying to watch TV?"

"Uh, I just wanted to talk to you."

"What about?" Sasuke asked, not looking away from the TV.

"Uh,"

"Is this about what you and Kisame did last night?" Sasuke asked knowingly.

"How'd you know about that?" Itachi asked. If Sasuke knew, everyone in the house must know.

Sasuke shrugged. "Deidara told me."

"Why would Deidara talk to you?" Itachi knew that Deidara hated him and Sasuke.

" I don't know, but he told everyone."

"Did you just say that Deidara told everyone what we did?" Kisame then came into the room.

"Yes." Sasuke was irritated that they were interrupting his TV time.

"We have to get revenge on him. And I know just the way." Kisame said evilly.

* * *

Orochimaru was trying to get Tobi to get an Orochi-Pop.

"No! Tobi remembers what you did last time!" Tobi said, even though he was curious as to how it would taste.

"You have to come with me Tobi. Or you will regret it."

Just then, Tobi's major sugar rush kicked in.

"TOBI SAID NO." He roundhouse kicked Orochimaru in the face.

"WHOA, what the fuck? I didn't know you could do that Tobi. I thought you were just a little bitch!" Hidan said excitedly.

"No one does that to Orochimaru, NO ONE." Orochimaru got up at smacked Tobi with his tongue. Tobi took Orochimaru's tongue, snatched it out of his mouth and choked him with it.

"Kick his ass!" Hidan yelled.

Pein and Konan watched, amazed that Tobi was actually doing something.

After Tobi choked him, Orochimaru was on the ground, passed out with his tongue still around his throat.

"Now, can Tobi get some more candy?"

THE END

(I'm making a sequel to this sometime soon. You'll get to see what Kisame and Itachi plan to do to get revenge on Deidara. MUAHAHAHA!

Thanks for all the support for my first fanfiction, I know it was kind of a crappy ending, but whatever. Oh yeah, and vote on my poll for which story I should update !)


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